Thursday, May 3, 2012

Top 2 Cartoon Characters I Want To Bitch-Slap

*pre-emptive warning: significant amount of swearing ahead. Oh, and if you’re American I’m not sure if you get all this "quality programming" so you might not know what the hell I’m talking about*

There’s no actual reason for this post except Mace was watching cartoons tonight while I was getting Ave ready for bed, and I realized that I really, really, really hate some of the characters on tv.

I mean really hate. Like creep-up-behind-them-in-a-dark-alley-and-punch-them-in-the-back-of-the-head-and-then-put-the-boots-to-their-adorable-cartoony-tummies kind of stuff.

The first of my Top 2: Ruby of "Max & Ruby" fame.
max&rubyEvery time I see this show I want to drown millions of rabbits in the hopes of killing off any further offspring from this controlling bitch. Seriously, what’s her issue?

Directly from the show’s site:
"Each episode centers on Max, a determined three-year-old bunny, and his big sister, Ruby, a smart, goal-oriented seven-year-old. The show offers an empowering message for children by showing Max and Ruby playing together and resolving their differences in ways that are respectful and supportive.”

Sure. Respectful and supportive. That’s Ruby to a “T”!

That is if you consider “respectful and supportive” to mean “condescending, annoying, disrespectful to her brother’s abilities, and doesn’t see shit that’s directly in front of her eyes unless it jumps up and bites her in the ass”. Then sure. Respectful and supportive is Ruby.

And off topic but holy shit, Max is supposed to be three years old?!! The kid has trouble coming up with more than one word each episode. If he was my little brother I guess I’d get off thinking I was smart and goal-oriented, too, because in comparison …. yeesh.

And the second of my Top 2: "Manon"
Aside from the fact that her god-damned theme song always gets stuck in my head the very instant it comes on, I just can’t stand this chick. First off, bitch, can you not tuck those four stray hairs into your ‘do? I mean seriously, I know you’re busy being “Queen of the Farm” or whatever the hell your title is but honestly, take a little pride in your appearance and spend five minutes in front of a mirror.

Secondly, I just plain hate this show. I honestly can’t even put my finger on why, but I’d rather stick hot pokers in my eyes than watch this crap when it comes on. I’ve even taken to (loudly) announcing to Mace “Mommy hates this show” whenever he turns it on. So far the kid just shrugs and keeps watching, but I know I’m breaking him down. 

And lastly … do you not have any human friends you can hang out with? People be talkin’ is all I’m sayin’.


Wow, I feel so much better after admitting this to all of you. So, so much better. That was really quite cathartic.

Now that I know how great I feel after writing about this, I’ve got a few more cartoon characters on my hit list that I just might share with you in another post. Stay tuned, folks, stay tuned! But in the meanwhile ... which cartoon characters do you want to bitch-slap?



  1. I hate Ruby too!!!
    SUCH a control freak...and her weird little accent?
    I also cannot abide Jimmy Neutron and Sponge Bob Square Pants...I only let P watch one episode of each and could literally see him becoming more and more slack jawed as each show progressed. SO DUMB.
    On a positive note, I adore the Backyardigans with their amazing choreography and diversity (!), the Wonderpets and Mighty Machines.
    Thanks for this post, made me laugh and feel vindicated all at once!

  2. YES!!! Ruby is such a little bitch to her brother. And he's 3? Even my late talker was better then he is. And where the hell are their parents? Why is Ruby always taking care of her brother?

    As soon as I saw the picture I had the theme song from Manon stuck in my head. But honestly I don't think I've ever paid attention to it.

  3. I cannot stand Ruby and Calliou. One is bossy and never listens, the other is such a brat with a horrible attitude.

  4. Ruby is the bane of my existence. For a while we banned our daughter from watching that show because we couldn't stand it and she stopped using the nice, clear, full sentences we were used to hearing in favour of Max's one word stylings. Not cool. Plus, if you think about it, Max misbehaves in every single episode. That show is just terrible all around.

    I also can't stand freakin' Barney. How is that big purple waste of space still kicking around? I always try to preemptively change the channel before he appears but sometimes I'm not on my game and he shows up anyway. Ahhhhhhh!

  5. Great post! My husband enjoyed it very much. Ruby is definitely on our list. Caillou is right up there. Whiny, annoying kid with a voice that makes me want to scream.

  6. I hate Toopy and Binoo but my son LOVES it. I don't know what attracts him to the show so much, but everytime I hear Toopy laugh, it makes me cringe.

  7. Great Post!! Have you ever been tortured with Fireman Sam?? That Norman Price kid deserves a bitch slap for sure. Drives me NUTS!!

  8. I too feel something akin to rage when Manon comes on. Mainly because the show is stupid. As in, not remotely funny or cute. No funny little jokes or endearing characters. And Manon is always so superior...yuck!

    Even worse are the little music videos they sometimes do. Someone created lame, lame, LAME songs on a synthesizer or something, and they pass it off as music. My ears bleed when I hear it!

  9. Hilarious!
    Max & Ruby make us all dumber!!
    I like the Critters on Manon but that show makes my skin crawl!
    What happened to good ol Mr Dress-up?!
    Hilarious post!
    So awesome!!

  10. I dont have kids but I watch my niece a lot and I agree with all of these! Toopy and Binoo, though, are the BANE of my time with her!!! I dont know if its a mouse/cat/stuffed animal from hell but i would be donating it to goodwill if I was the parent! I always loved the Berenstien bears though!

  11. Thank God someone hates Manon as much as I do! All the whiny voices!!! Drives me insane. I got over Max and Ruby. Just Caillou and Manon make me want to drive nails into my ears. I love the animation on Toopy and Binou but the voices!!Why is it just the French shows that are translated to English! I don't get it?

  12. just a question though...what the hell is up with the 4 black hairs on manon's head? WTF??

  13. Just stumbled across this and it made my night!! I agree about Max and Ruby being absolutely awful. Even the dog whines when it comes on. It and Calliou are banned in our house. Glad I am not the only hater here. :)

  14. This much misdirected anger obviously requires treatment. p.s. they aren't real.


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