Friday, March 16, 2012

Its Like The Posts Just Write Themselves

No end of ribald stories for this family! Tonight’s comes courtesy of my husband, so send your thanks his way; if he wasn’t so very “Jamie” this post could’ve never been written. 

This afternoon I was out on the cul-de-sac talking with a friend while our kids played nearby. We were laughing about the fact that her family had recently bought one of those huge play-structures for the backyard, and that the manufacturer’s estimated building time with two people was 12 - 14 hours. Of course her husband wasn’t especially impressed by this but we two thought it was quite hilarious.

I then mentioned that my dear husband had been trying to convince me to build a putting green in the backyard “for Mace”, which we found even funnier.

"A putting green! For a 2.5 year old! Ha ha! What a ridiculous idea! Who comes up with these things?”

At that very moment our kids ran into my backyard and, being ever-vigilant mothers, we followed. And then stopped dead.

For what did our eyes behold at my front door but this rather large and heavy package:
My initial thought was “OMG, what the hell did I order on Etsy?”, but closer inspection revealed that it was actually a package for Jamie. From a golf store. 

Which really made me panic.

Jamie and I shortly had the following texting conversation:

Me: Dare I ask what’s inside the absolutely ENOURMOUS box that was just delivered to our doorstep? From Big Moss Golf?
{break of about 5 minutes as I further investigate the matter}
Me: You asshole. I just read the label …. an effing PUTTING GREEN?
Jamie: It finally arrived!
Jamie: Oh yeah … I ordered a putting green for Mace.

Yes, dear readers. I am now the proud owner of a 6 x 12 foot padded putting green.
DSC_0745 copy.jpgsmall
You’ll notice that it’s current residence is in our unfinished basement. Why is it unfinished? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because we’re wasting our money on things like 6 x 12 foot PUTTING GREENS?

Jamie tried to convince me that this will all pay off when Mason makes it to the PGA Championships in 15 years. At that point I turned to Mace and said “Buddy, you’d better be playing on this every day to make it worthwhile”. His response?

"I don’t wanna”.

Yup, money well-spent.

The thing is, this isn’t the first time Jamie’s made a ridiculous purchase. May I present Exhibit B:
DSC_0756 copy.jpgsmall If you’re wondering what it is, I’ll tell you. That, my friends, is a fibreglass replica (complete with moss, weeds, and tree stump! Bonus!) of a pike Jamie caught 7 years ago while on a fishing trip. Our conversation the night he brought it home went something like this:

Jamie: Darling, I don’t want you to be mad but you know that fish I caught? Well, I had a replica of it made, and its in the car right now
Me: What? What the hell do you mean you had a replica made?
Jamie: I mean a guy made an exact copy of it by looking at the pictures I took. He did a really good job. I honestly think we should put it on display somewhere.
{Jamie brings it inside the house}
Me: Oh.My.God!! That has to weigh 50 pounds! How much did you pay for that thing?!!
Jamie: $500
Me: $500?!! You paid $500 for that?!!!
Jamie: … and I paid another $500 when I placed the order.
Me: What?!!!!!!You paid one thousand dollars for a replica of a fish?!!!! Are you crazy?!!! What the hell are we going to do with it?
Jamie: Well, this is just an idea but I was thinking put it in the dining room. You know, conversation piece.
{my memory’s hazy after this but I’m fairly certain I left the room at this point, after attempting to throw the “conversation piece” through the wall}

I’ll also have you know that damned fish sat on the floor of our bonus room for over a year afterwards, and that it actually ripped my wedding dress because the crinoline got caught on its’ damned teeth. Like it was making a point or something.

You sharp-eyed readers might also note there is a rather large-sized hole on the top of the fish’s head:
DSC_0756other Well, how on earth did that hole get there?

Lets just say a certain gentleman-of-the-house was playing Beer Pong once evening (yes, we’re the epitome of class), got a bit riled up after a poor shot and gave the fish a little “love tap” on the head with his paddle.

A hole from an A-hole. How appropriate.

The fish now also resides in the unfinished basement … and if I was a bettin’ lady, my money’d be on that location as Jamie’s sleeping accommodations for tonight, too.



  1. This post had me howling! The fish! Oh my god.

    Alex makes ridiculous purchases as well. A few years back he actually went to a bike auction, spent two days researching bikes and looking at the ones up for auction. Well, he got to the auction, and everything was going at high speed - the words and the bikes - and he ended up bidding $500 on not just one, but TWO, piece of crap bikes that were so awful we didn't even bother to fix them up.

    He has never really lived that one down.

  2. If my husband had brought that fish into the house, there certainly would have been a conversation!!! Is he trying to turn your house into Possum Lodge? (Or are you too young to remember that show?)

  3. I bent over and accidentally hit the button that posted that comment. I intended to add: "If the women don't find ya handsome, they should at least find ya handy."

  4. I read this post out loud to my husband. His response, "just change putting green to computer that will be built from the ground up on your dining room table and you could have written that about me."


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